Posted by: patenttranslator | December 28, 2011

Animals Can Feel Magnetic Fields and Smell Cancer Cells, But They Refuse to Learn Foreign Languages

Images from Google Earth seem to confirm that cows, deer and other animals graze facing north. This phenomenon is something that people somehow managed to miss for thousands of years. Animals did not develop an elaborate language similar to what humans use, probably mostly because they don’t need it. Unlike humans, animals know the really important things such as when the next tsunami, hurricane or earthquake is coming and they will communicate these things to us, but only if we pay attention to their language.

A dog can tell pretty much everything that a dog needs to tell to his owner by wagging his tail, jumping around and barking. There is no need to speak.

In some respects it is unfortunate that animals did not bother developing a complicated language that could be used to communicate with humans, who are much more advanced than animals in some areas, and really primitive  in many other areas. From a dog’s point of view, humans are incredibly primitive creatures who can’t really smell anything!

For example, unlike your average stupid cow, I have no idea which way is north, although the magnetic field is clearly there somewhere, and it is a huge one. But it is also fortunate that animals don’t talk because if they had a real language, they would start lying to us too, just like those devious humans.

There are magnetic fields all around us that we are not aware of, although they influence what we do and how we feel about everything. The Chinese call it Feng Shui (風水), which means Wind-Water in English. For example, when I order something from the Internet, such as a printer cartridge, and it is scheduled to arrive in 3 to 7 days, I usually know on the morning of the day when the cartridge will be delivered that it is coming today. There must be a magnetic field that is somehow created between the package and me. Women seem to be generally more aware of the things between the heaven and earth than men. Or so they say. Perhaps the sixth sense called female intuition is just a better awareness of magnetic fields that surround us everywhere in this world. Are Western women much more likely to be interested in Feng Shui than Western men? I think so.

Although dogs normally don’t talk, they can smell cancer cells, which is something no oncologist will probably ever be ever able to do. Since they can also read our mind, and they even managed to get us to walk them when they’ve got to go and pick up their s**t when they are done with this particular business, it is understandable that they never bothered to develop a canine language similar to languages that  humans are using. They know things that we don’t know, they know that they know them, and that’s enough for them.

This mad patent translator has been able to collect some evidence that animals do understand languages, at least up to a point. I know for instance that if you teach a dog certain things in a certain language, the dog will refuse to learn the words for the same thing in another language.

We had a dachshund named Muffin that my wife rescued from the San Francisco SPCA 24 years ago. Because Muffin learned everything she needed to know about human languages from my wife in Japanese, she either completely ignored English words, or pretended not to understand them. If I told her “o-shikko suru?”, which is the Japanese term for what the French call “faire pipi”, or “o-sanpo iku?”, which means “go for a walk” in English, she would jump up right away and started wagging her tail vigorously because she knew it was time to go for a walk. If I asked her whether she wanted to go for a “walk” in English, she would just stare at me with a blank expression on her face. She simply refused to learn English.

I tried to teach Lucy, our new dog which we sort of inherited from my son, Japanese words like “o-shikko” because this word sounds better, it is more expressive and much more fun to pronounce than “walk”. But no matter how many times I tried to teach Lucy some Japanese, she reacts only to the English word “walk”, because that’s what she learned from my son.

Lucy is in fact forcing me to speak English to her, just like Muffin was forcing me and my kids to speak Japanese to her more than 20 years ago.

I have a suspicion that she could learn some Japanese quite easily, but she wants to show us who’s the real boss in our house.

Of course, I will never be able to prove that because I can’t really communicate with Lucy since dogs never bothered to learn human languages, except for a few words if these words are essential to their existence. They will learn a few words if they really have to, but only in one language.



  1. Great article!!!
    I am amazed by this article I have already heard some of these things before but I have to say that more people should take a note that we can all learn something even from our pets.


    • That’s true. We could learn a lot if we knew what they know.

      But our pets don’t really have much to learn from us. They don’t really care about the same things that humans care about.


  2. Nice topic, Steve. Gave me a good laugh.

    I don’t know about your dogs, Steve–my cat (a full-blown Prague city tomcat) grew up in a bilingual family, as it were. My wife and her daughter would speak to him in Czech and German. Not that he gave a hoot about the language; he generally pretended, as cats are wont to do, that he wasn’t hearing them. Or that they weren’t even there. After a delay of appropriate proportions, he would deign to do what they were expecting him to do. Generally this involved proceeding slowly to his food bowl or sitting next to the entrance door waiting to be taken to the car for the week-end ride to the summer house.

    Enter me into this setup. I started speaking to him in Austrian dialect. After an initial period of utter disregard on his side, he got what I wanted to tell him and followed his routine.

    Now he is eighteen years old, completely blind but clever as ever. And he understands when he is being spoken to in Czech by our granddaughter, in Geman by my wife, and in Austrian by me.

    Sometimes, though, I suspect he doesn’t really listen to any of us. He just reads our minds, as you say. And probably thinks we are stupid to be gabbing all the time. He doesn’t need to. An occasional mew will have us jumping to do as he bids.


  3. If a cat can learn “Austrian”, a pitbull should be able to learn Japanese too.

    I think I will persist in my efforts to teach Lucy the language and then report on the progress or the lack thereof at some point on this blog.


  4. Very nice post! Even if I agree with you, I still talk to my dog, and he seems to understand 😉


  5. Thank you.

    As long as you don’t confuse your dog by trying to talk to him in another language, you both should be OK.


  6. We are a bilingual family, and we adopted 2 cats. The cats supposedly only spoke American, since they were born here in the U.S., but they immediately understood my Italian as soon as I started talking to them…while my husband cannot understand my Italian even after 7 years, and often not even my American (especially when he doesn’t like what I’m saying ;))


  7. […] between heaven and earth that we don’t understand does not mean that they don’t exist. Both astrology and Feng shui can be regarded as hard sciences that are concerned with very large mag…Humans are capable of measuring micro-magnetic fields, for example emanating from a cell phone, but […]


  8. […] for years, salmon and birds have used the magnetic fields for their migratory routes. Google supports this theory as it was used by animals for thousands of years, but the facts were missed by […]


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